Sam and Diane: Election 2016
by KensiBlonde
Summary: What if Sam and Diane were married today - and discussing the election?


SAM AND DIANE'S HOUSE, OUTSIDE OF BOSTON

SAM lounges on the couch, his deep-set gray eyes glued to the large screen TV mounted on the wall. The natter of a game announcer and the white noise of an excited crowd can be heard.

DIANE, in a slim-fitting, elegant black dress, her blonde hair shining over her shoulders, her lipstick deep ruby red, flits in.

DIANE

Goodbye, darling! I'm off for a few hours.

SAM

(barely looking over)

Okay, see you later….

(in his peripheral vision he catches sight of her and whips around)

Wait, wait, you look good… got a hot date?

DIANE

(twirling a little, flattered)

Why, yes, I do… (she grins)

(Sam's attention is diverted from the game and he sits up)

SAM

Seriously, get over here…. where are you going?

DIANE walks further into the sunken living room.

DIANE

I told you, I'm going to see Hillary.

SAM

That chick from your cheese club?

DIANE

Sam! Hillary! (at his blank look) Clinton? Hillary Clinton?

SAM

Oh right - from your book club?

(Diane plants her hands on her hips and gapes at him.)

DIANE

Sam! She's going to be our next president?!

SAM

President of your book club? Or cheese club?

DIANE

I really hope you are joking around right now. You do know there's an election coming up…. presidential election! To be President of the United States!

SAM

(waving his hand, his attention pulled back towards the TV)

Oh right, right. I knew that. What, do you think I'm stupid?

(Diane can't bring herself to answer, but the look on her face says it all.)

DIANE

This is disturbing. Haven't you thought about whom you're going to vote for?

SAM

(Taken by surprise, as if the word 'vote' is completely foreign to him.)

Vote?

DIANE

Oh my god, please tell me you vote. I know we've never discussed this but I always just assumed…

SAM

I don't know, I've never really gotten around to it…

DIANE

(flapping one arm towards the television)

Well, you get around to watching baseball, football and basketball games! Don't you think this is more important?!

SAM

No.

(He smiles, realizing he's pushing her to the edge of sanity, as he loves to do.)

Sure, honey, I've voted. I voted for… what's that guy's name? Uh, Reagan….

DIANE

Sam, that was 30 years ago!

SAM

I've been busy!

(At her wit's end, Diane stalks over to the couch, and gets between him and the television.)

DIANE

You must take this seriously! This is one of our most fundamental American duties!

SAM

(Craning his neck so he can see around her.)

Okay, sure, then I'll vote. What's the big deal?

DIANE

Who are you going to vote for?

SAM

Well, who'd you just say? Hillary? Fine, she's got my vote.

DIANE

You can't just do it like that! Do you even know her platform? Do you know the other candidates?

(Sam continues to stare at the TV, his eyes glazing over.)

Sam, are you listening?

SAM

(Rising from his sloth, shaking a fist)

Oooh, that was a foul! Call that!

DIANE

Look, Sam, when I married you, I gave up the ghost of expecting you to read great literature, or come to the opera with me, or even participate in intelligent discussion… but you must vote.

SAM

Fine, who are the other candidates?

DIANE

The Republican candidate is Donald Trump. (laughs) You believe that?

SAM

(finally snapping to attention)

Wait, what? The guy from The Apprentice?

DIANE

Yes, isn't that hysterical?

SAM

That is pretty funny. Okay, then, he's got my vote.

DIANE

What?! Why?

SAM

Because I liked that show.

DIANE

Oh no, Sam, no! You can't vote a man into the highest office in the world because you liked him on a reality show!

SAM

Why not?

DIANE

Because I said so!

SAM

(tipping over into mild anger)

Diane! If you're going to act like that, that's who I'm voting for and that's that. As for Hillary, I don't need another woman telling me what to do!

DIANE

(coming over to him and perching on the couch)

Okay, sorry. I didn't mean it that way. But you have to at least have some basic knowledge of the issues.

SAM

Can we do that after the game? I'm missing a lot here….

(Diane pats him on the knee. The years have taught her how best to deal with him.)

DIANE

Fine, watch your game, I'm going to the rally.

(She gets up from the couch and heads towards the door.)

SAM

Diane!

DIANE

(stopping)

Yes, Sam?

SAM

I love you.

DIANE

I love you too, honey. We'll talk later.

(She heads out the door. Sam slinks down into the couch, clutching the remote as if it's a lifeline tossed into roiling waters.)

SAM

That's what I'm afraid of.

LATER

SAM AND DIANE sit outside on their deck, succulent shish kabobs grilling nearby. Diane has a glass of wine in hand and Sam is reluctantly perched next to her, wondering when he can get back to the grill.

DIANE

So Donald Trump wants to build a wall along Mexico….

SAM

What's wrong with that?

DIANE

Walls are ineffective, Sam. There are many elaborate tunnels people use to come over… and besides, it will cost millions and likely come down at some point anyway, or become completely useless… and these are our neighbors. This isn't World War II Berlin…

SAM

All right, whatever. What else?

DIANE

He's dangerous, Sam. We can't have a man like that with access to nuclear weapons!

SAM

How is he worse than anyone else?

DIANE

He's… he's a blowhard. A child. Imagine if you gave your pal Dave nuclear weapons!

SAM

(grinning)

The only thing he'd use it for is to blow up women's skirts.

DIANE

Not funny, this is serious stuff we're talking here!

(Sam grimaces and goes to check the grill.)

SAM

So far I don't like either one of these people.

DIANE

Hillary will be our first woman president! That's very important. Women should always support women.

SAM

(Turning and guffawing)

Oh, like how you 'supported' Janet Eldrich by campaigning against her?

DIANE

That's different…. she…

SAM

She what?

DIANE

She wanted you, Sam! And I wasn't going to let her have you!

SAM

Haha. So that's why you campaigned against her? You finally admit it.

DIANE

I didn't agree with her policies either. At least I knew them! I bet you didn't!

SAM

(smiling to himself, the memory of feisty Janet suddenly coming to him clear as a spring day)

I knew her pretty well…

DIANE

Stop! I don't want to talk about her!

(Sam turns, spatula in hand, and begins jabbing it around aimlessly)

SAM

All right, listen, I don't know much about any of these people. But if it keeps you from flapping your mouth until the election, I'll vote for one of them. But you have to respect my decision. That's the American way.

DIANE

Of course I will. Unless it's Donald Trump. I can't respect that.

SAM

Yeah, that sounds real open minded! You're a dictator, Diane!

DIANE

I'm not a dictator, I'm just telling you what is best for our country.

LATER

(SAM and DIANE are at the kitchen table, having finished dinner. Diane gets up and begins clearing things as Sam heads over to the sink to prepare for washing.)

SAM

Okay, I think I've come to a decision.

DIANE

(hopefully)

Yes, honey?

SAM

Well, I kind of like how this guy Trump is going against everyone…. he's willing to stand up for what he believes no matter the consequences….

DIANE

Sam, you were in the major leagues. You know how important it is to be a team player. He can't be a team player.

SAM

Sometimes you have to go it alone…. be willing to stick up for your beliefs.

DIANE

And what ARE his beliefs? Do you even know?

SAM

Sometimes I just go with my gut, Diane. I trust my gut. My gut is telling me Trump.

DIANE

Your gut needs Antacid, Sam.

SAM

I told you, you have to respect my decision, or there will be no peace in this house!

(Sam helplessly flicks his wet hand around, as if the flying drops will help prove his point.)

DIANE

Fine, I'm standing up for MY beliefs. No matter the consequences. And the consequence for you is that I don't feel comfortable having sex with a man who would vote for a man who doesn't respect women.

SAM

You are actually threatening not to have sex with me?!

DIANE

(Crossing her arms and digging in)

I'm not threatening, I'm promising. It won't happen if you're going to vote for that man.

SAM

You're absurd, Diane. Seriously, you are deranged. You want to destroy our marriage over this?

DIANE

(Softening, she approaches him as he stands in a defensive position at the counter, arms crossed. She rubs his forearm.)

No, no… of course not. I'm just so disappointed. But I love you and will try to respect your decision.

SAM

And the sex?!

DIANE

I'll think about it.

THE NEXT DAY

SAM sits outside on the deck, reading a sports magazine, with a cup of coffee in hand. DIANE walks out and takes a deep breath of fresh air.

SAM

Hey, babe.

DIANE

Good morning, love of my life.

SAM

By the way, we had sex last night. Just thought I'd remind you.

DIANE

Oh, shut up. You know I can't resist you. But I didn't enjoy it.

SAM

Ha! Not what you said last night.

DIANE

Sam, when was that fishing trip to Florida with Dave you wanted to go on?

SAM

(glancing up from his magazine, surprised)

I thought you didn't want me to go.

DIANE

(waving her hand and sitting next to him)

I'm sure I was being unreasonable. It's just that I miss you so much when you're away.

SAM

Aw, babe. Come here. (he pulls her by the waist and kisses her on her temple) I'd only be gone a week.

DIANE

I know. When was it again?

SAM

Uhh, November - 5th to the 10th I'm pretty sure.

DIANE

That sounds perfect. I have a friend coming into town then and I can show her around.

SAM

When's that election thing?

DIANE

Not until December.

SAM

Great. I get to go fishing and I get to vote for who I want and you'll still have sex with me!

(he gives her a big noisy smooch on the lips)

Diane, I think I won this election….

DIANE

(Smiling and rubbing his lower lip with her thumb)

Oh, yes, honey, you won. You definitely won.


End file.
